I'm not sure how much I'll be able to post over the next week when I'm in Texas with Theseus and his dad, but I thought I should leave one tonight to give everyone a heads up. So farewell for now!

I'm trying to feel better. Some things that have made me smile:
    

Hunter's death knocked the wind out of me, and I spent the first few days wondering how it could have happened. I talked to our friends on Facebook, reading their comments that could have been my own. I listened to the saddest songs on my iPod and cried in my car.

The next couple days I spent in a cloud of anger, hating everyone and everything I came in contact with. I woke up in the mornings, enraged - I snapped at people at work, started arguments with Theseus (I'm very sorry, honey) and generally overreacted about everything.

The next stage of grief is bargaining. Wonder what the next few days will look like.

I thought I'd feel a little better today but I don't. Everything is colorless.

How can I express how heartbreaking it is to lose a friend who was only doing his job? He was doing what we have all been asked to do when we put on the uniform.

We assume the risk that is inherent to our lifestyle, but we rarely talk about it. Myself, I prefer not to think how my choice sometimes puts my life in danger. And now, with Theseus about to leave for a year in the sand, it's even more tempting to push this reality to the back of my mind.

I feel incredibly selfish for feeling this way, but Hunter's death is more than simply the loss of a friend - it's a reminder that it can happen happen to any of us, at any time, regardless of how safe our Army job may seem. I can't help but reevaluate the decisions that have brought me to today, nearly in my 8th year of service to the Army. What am I even doing here anymore?

I thought about him all day and now here I am, wordless.

He died Friday, in Afghanistan. He died.

It's difficult to hear of a Soldier's death, particularly if that Soldier is in the same career field as you (hits a little closer to home), but Hunter - I knew him, he was my friend. He is the second friend I have lost; Frost was killed in Iraq in 2008 while I was there, too. 

Why?? Why did this happen??

I reached out to some others from our circle of Army friends last night on my drive back to NJ. Everyone is in shock. How could this happen? We are all clutching each other now, apologizing for allowing time and distance to get between us as much as it has. I didn't realize how much I need them.

I don't know what else to say.

Today was crappy - nothing clicked right. I woke up insanely sore from my workout yesterday. Everyone at work was aggitated. It was uncomfortably hot. Theseus and I argued on the phone about literally nothing. My lunch tasted like cardboard. The trash guys never came. I cried twice.

:(

Holy crap, has it really been a month already?
    

I've been thinking a lot about the way I think - specifically, trying to be more open minded to things I normally would dismiss.

This actually started as something of a New Year's resolution (I never do this) to try to diversify my closet. One day I looked in there at all the grey t-shirts and vowed to change. Since then, I've managed to buy a bunch of (non t-shirt) shirts that look great on me that, 6 months ago, I wouldn't have looked twice at on the rack. I'm currently rehabbing my shoe buying tendencies (helped along by the generous Meridith) and eventually I'm going to get to my endless collection of jeans.
    

I spent today with two people so filled with racism, ignorance, hate and misogyny (and one of them is a woman!), it drained all of my energy. (Vampires?) I could barely keep my head up on my drive home from work.

Maybe it's this part of the country, maybe it's who the military attracts, maybe I'm just unlucky enough to keep meeting horrible people - I don't know, but you wouldn't believe the vile things I've had people tell me since we moved here. Today I was told all the reasons black people shouldn't be in Broadway musicals, ending with the conclusion that they should just accept they will always be second class citizens. People still think like this?!

Most unfortunately, I have to continue to work with these two people until my orders are up next month. Everyone keeps asking me why I don't want to stay on for another year. I never know whether to laugh or punch them in the face. That place is toxic; I feel so unhealthy when I'm there. July 31 can't come soon enough.