Two weeks ago was spring break - we are over the halfway mark of the semester. As I type this, we have 7 weeks left of school, including finals week.

7 weeks seems so far away when I think about all the work that stands between me and the end of the semester. I have chapters to read, papers to write, problems to solve. I'm rapidly losing energy and motivation. Doesn't it seem like this point comes earlier and earlier each semester? I so look forward to the summer with my light schedule of only 3 classes, the least I've taken since I began. And then in the fall I'll be off orders and can focus my attention on Drexel. And on the rest of my life...

When I say this isn't easy, please understand what an understatement that is. This is the hardest thing I have ever done - harder than basic training, harder than the deployment, harder than carrying a baby for 9 months. It sucks. I am constantly tired and worried about not having enough time in the day to do everything I have to do (I never have enough time). I am always stealing bits of time to finish up other tasks, like folding laundry during my lunch break or cramming for an exam while stopped at a red light. I miss the baby and Theseus terribly and hate that I am missing out on so much of their lives right now. I can never look forward to the end of the work day because I don't get to go home; instead I'm on the way to school, eating a granola bar in my car, alone.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I apologize that I've made you read this little pity party. I'll feel better soon. In 7 weeks... but who's counting?

- Antiope

 
 
Theseus has drill this weekend and I have a ceremony to photograph on Sunday, so he's in MA with the baby and I'm here in NJ by myself.

So, party time, right?! Hardly. It's not even 8 p.m. and I can hardly keep my eyes open to type this. I'm going to take a cup of tea and my Kindle Fire to bed in a little while, probably read for 15 minutes and fall asleep before my tea cools off. What an exciting life I lead.

My plans for tomorrow are even more heart-stopping: laundry, cleaning the guest bathroom, dropping some unwanted stuff off at the Goodwill. Someone should develop a movie about my life. Blockbuster for sure.

Wish Theseus and Austin didn't have to go to MA this weekend - or wish I could go with them. The house is lonely and kind of scary when they aren't here. Every little creak or thump and my brain screams "MURDER! WITH A CHAINSAW! NO ONE WILL HEAR YOU SCREAM!" I set the security alarm and sleep with a knife, but it doesn't really help. Plus there is a ghost that lives here and sometimes does creepy things that I don't appreciate, like turning on the ceiling fan in the living room or opening all the cabinet doors in the kitchen or eating the rest of the chips (oh wait, that last one was me). I hate being here alone. No husband to snuggle, no baby to snuggle, no one to share a Saturday adventure with. Sucks.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself - now it's time to grip a kitchen knife in rigid terror for the next 12 hours. :(

- Antiope

 
 
The spring semester started last Friday. Cue the panic attacks.

Looking ahead at all the work I need to do between now and May... I just want to cry. Six classes is too much, on top of working full time (with no concrete hours) and caring for a 10-month old. The worst thing, though, is that I didn't really have a choice. In order to get into Drexel's biological sciences program this fall, I had to have a heavy load this semester. If I didn't (and tried to spread out the classes), I would set myself a whole year behind, as they only accept applicants for the program for the fall. So then the employment/school situation wouldn't line up: instead of going to school full time during the day in the fall, I'd have to find another job and wouldn't be able to rely on the GI Bill for financial help because I wouldn't be in school full time. Does that make your head hurt? Because mine hurts from typing it.

Theseus keeps telling me that we have to work hard and be kind of miserable now so we don't have to be miserable for our whole lives. That's not so comforting when you are staring crushing misery in the face.

:(

- Antiope

 
 
I've been away - you probably noticed. A number of trains were rushing toward me and after the resulting, continuous, obvious train wreck, I mentally walked away. I had no other choice. I'd never felt so overwhelmed, so completely drained, so physically tired, so naggingly sick.
    
 
 
Some facts:
- Austin will be 6 months old next Friday
- My breastfeeding goal was 6 months
- The fall semester of school has started
- Theseus' school schedule requires Austin to be in day care twice a week (9 hours total)
    
 
 
Yesterday, my friend M lost her baby. She was due July 25.

I don't even really know what to say about it. There are no words that will offer her comfort, I know, so I just apologize and apologize and cry to myself. This is her loss, not mine, but I know what it is like to carry a 39-week baby - how do you recover from the loss? I can't stop turning it over in my mind, how it must have felt to hear that there was no heartbeat. To be so far, to have a name picked out and a house full of baby gear, to have everyone asking when you were going to deliver, to have the nursery ready and the hospital bag packed and be right there in the home-stretch, to be just days from delivery, and then --

I look at Austin and alternate between wanting to squeeze him for eternity and feeling deep guilt in the pit of my stomach. What would my life be like without this little guy? M is still in the hospital recuperating, while N and I both have heathy babies. The three of us were all pregnant together - first me, then N, then M. Our three little ones were supposed to play together. What do I even say to M? The baby was full term. M was supposed to have a baby. 

I am absolutely crushed. It is nothing compared to how M feels.

- Antiope

 
 
So, Theseus is gone again. 15 days was much too short. :(

He doesn't really have that much time left before he comes home for good (compared to how long he's already been gone), but that's hardly a comfort. I'm sick of staring at a calendar and bitterly counting down the days...

...this just sucks.
    
 
 
That is all. :(

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UPDATE: I don't know why those little Twitter/Facebook buttons appeared all over my blog all of the sudden. I didn't put them there. Sorry for the inconvenience.
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- Antiope

 

28 weeks

12/28/2010

1 Comment

 
I haven't written much about the baby lately, mostly because there isn't a whole lot to say. He dances furiously for a few hours and sleeps the rest of the time (or just dances quietly?). A tough life.

I have not been having it so easy, though. I'm always tired (and hungry). I'm slow. My hips and lower back scream for days. I feel like I'm as big as the moon. Everyone wants to touch me and fawn over me and I just want to be left alone.

I know, I know, soon there will be better days. The baby will be here and Theseus will be home and I'll be happy again. Right now, though, this is just about the worst I've ever felt in my life.

- Antiope

 
 
Rainy & windy
+
Colby the Wild Basement Cat plotting revenge
+
read about the Lindberg kidnapping; kinda freaked out
+
thinking about every horror movie I have ever seen
=
I can't sleep :(