I started this post, then saved it as a draft... came back to it, added some, saved it again... came back a day later, deleted some, got distracted... here I am four days later. I have nothing of value to add at this point and I lost my train of thought so here is my crappy, disjointed post. I just want it to go away. :(
Hunter's death knocked the wind out of me, and I spent the first few days wondering how it could have happened. I talked to our friends on Facebook, reading their comments that could have been my own. I listened to the saddest songs on my iPod and cried in my car.
The next couple days I spent in a cloud of anger, hating everyone and everything I came in contact with. I woke up in the mornings, enraged - I snapped at people at work, started arguments with Theseus (I'm very sorry, honey) and generally overreacted about everything.
The next stage of grief is bargaining. Wonder what the next few days will look like.
I thought I'd feel a little better today but I don't. Everything is colorless.
How can I express how heartbreaking it is to lose a friend who was only doing his job? He was doing what we have all been asked to do when we put on the uniform.
We assume the risk that is inherent to our lifestyle, but we rarely talk about it. Myself, I prefer not to think how my choice sometimes puts my life in danger. And now, with Theseus about to leave for a year in the sand, it's even more tempting to push this reality to the back of my mind.
I feel incredibly selfish for feeling this way, but Hunter's death is more than simply the loss of a friend - it's a reminder that it can happen happen to any of us, at any time, regardless of how safe our Army job may seem. I can't help but reevaluate the decisions that have brought me to today, nearly in my 8th year of service to the Army. What am I even doing here anymore?
I thought about him all day and now here I am, wordless.
He died Friday, in Afghanistan. He died.
It's difficult to hear of a Soldier's death, particularly if that Soldier is in the same career field as you (hits a little closer to home), but Hunter - I knew him, he was my friend. He is the second friend I have lost; Frost was killed in Iraq in 2008 while I was there, too.
Why?? Why did this happen??
I reached out to some others from our circle of Army friends last night on my drive back to NJ. Everyone is in shock. How could this happen? We are all clutching each other now, apologizing for allowing time and distance to get between us as much as it has. I didn't realize how much I need them.
I don't know what else to say.